I loved that “American Inventor” show that was on briefly. It was obviously the nerd version of “American Idol” for those with talented, or occasionally not so talented, minds rather than vocal chords. One of the judges was the size zero inventor of Spanx. Why she felt the need to invent such a device of torture at her size, I cannot fathom. Of course, were you to wear Spanx at her size, they would merely be long legged, seamless underwear worn to avoid the appearance of panty lines and not really much of an invention at all. When she caught on to the fact that 90% of the population was many times her size, that’s when the ingenuity kicked in. Anyway, Spanx, even the low budget generic knock off versions for those of us who cannot afford to spend $32 on basically one pair of underwear, are a fabulous invention for folks with a little extra cushion….once you have them on and positioned properly and you are standing upright. If one squints and views you from the proper angle with the correct lighting, you can almost appear svelte or at the very least composed of firm, toned, albeit rounded shapes. Little do they know that your flesh is actually very forcefully encased in some sort of space age, impenetrable material, possibly laced with Kevlar, many sizes too small to comfortably contain your girth. If you sit down, you must have the space available to lean back in your chair in order to afford a smoother plane allowing blood and oxygen to reach the necessary organs beyond the boundaries of the pseudo-Spanx device. Bending at the waist is complete folly and will most likely induce fainting.
This incredibly weighty topic (ha, I crack me up even when I don’t mean to, that just popped out) is currently on my mind due to my recent experiences in the restroom and the need to find a solution to the problems encountered there. I know that’s a topic you are all super eager to explore, but seriously, I need to work this out. O.K., so I imagine the early days of liposuction basically requiring a metal rod industrial vacuum cleaner attachment to be jammed repeatedly up and down between the skin and tissue of your thighs, causing multiple and sundry contusions from the inside of your thighs. Much the same can be said of the process of donning the pseudo-Spanx device, causing multiple and sundry contusions from the outside of your thighs as you attempt to jam your flesh down inside the unyielding, Kevlar-ic material. This process requires both a high pain threshold and great dexterity as you move through contortions worthy of a Cirque du Soleil performer in an attempt to properly position the device. My problem, is that during the donning process and the contortions involved, one repeatedly, and I’m talking about like 23 times not two or three times repeatedly, sets off the automatic flush sensor on the toilet. Just think about that for a moment. Not only are all of the other people who wander into the restroom wondering what is going on in that stall on the end, but though restrooms in corporate office buildings are somewhat soundproof, they are not completely soundproof and they are located right next to the bank of elevators, where many people are standing there waiting for the elevator to arrive with nothing to do but listen to the sounds around them. Our office is now on the 19th floor. It takes some time for the summoned elevator to arrive. Several people are hearing the 23 flushes and what do you suppose might be going through their minds when they then see only one person emerge from the restroom? I shudder to think. So help me out people, what is the solution? Would it be possible to strategically drape toilet paper over the sensor before the donning process begins? I don’t know. I’m not sure how to attach the paper securely. I don’t know how sensitive the sensor device is. I mean is it a laser, will it be able to see the contortionist through the veil of t.p. and continue to flush? I would try to drape something more substantial, like my purse, over the sensor, but I don’t really want to touch that area or have anything that is going to later touch me touch it, so that’s out. I’m stumped.
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