Now we're cooking with gas....

O.K., so now I have a comprehensive, easy to understand tutorial on creating your own blog template and oodles of ideas rattling around in my head. We are supposed to have snow and freezing rain all day tomorrow, meaning that every 3rd car on the interstate will be at an abnormal angle on the side of the road or attempting to get to the side of the road and stopping four lanes of traffic while doing so. I'm anticipating a snow day at the house, so I'll be all cozily ensconsed in my office already and eager to spend Saturday working on the impressive thing....impressiveness and laundry. I have a mountain of laundry. Impressiveness, laundry and not thinking about missing my family and Mom and Dad's 40th wedding anniversary party. Surely by February this blog will be fabulous.

The New Year....less than impressive

I know, I know. I said this blog was going to be impressive for the new year, but alas, anyone who knows me knows that I am the Queen of Procrastination (and Carbohydrates) and I never do anything on time (or low calorie). That really wasn't the problem with not being impressive for the new year though. I'm going to blame it on the kids, just toss them under the bus. Danniele and Jeremy were sick with head colds last week and though I didn't kiss on them like I did their babies, I still sucked in their pathogens floating throught the atmosphere and succumbed to the illness. My head weighs approximately 1,000 pounds and my nose is dripping like a leaky faucet and I am a much bigger airhead than usual. As I was driving along on the way to work this morning, I thought, "Huh. I don't remember ever noticing that building before". Ten minutes later.....well, Dingbat, that would be because you drove right past your exit and you've never seen that building before having never been this far down this road.
Don't worry, I did get closer to becoming impressive. I'm sure it will happen soon. Wait with bated breath....but don't hold your breath. I don't want anyone to die due to my penchant for procrastination or low motivation levels. It's much more exciting this way. Remember that old song "Anticipation"? They used it for a ketchup commercial. That's what's happening here. You never know when something exciting might happen. Even though day after day you look and see nothing impressive or even moderately interesting, you can't stop yourself from looking just in case some day impressiveness will appear.

Any day now....

I do have a new computer at the house, a desktop, not a laptop, so no more lounging about on the couch while blogging or surfing, but perhaps sitting upright will make me more productive. At any rate, it's not quite set up yet, but we are closer. Any day now I'll be making this blog impressive. Probably not over Christmas as the kids are coming, but maybe over New Year's. Ah yes, the New Year is a good time to be newly impressive.

Sorry...still no new posts

So my laptop is still not working. I'm going to have a dozen things to write as soon as I get back on track. It takes forever and a day to boot up, so I probably have a virus and I'm told that it will be at least $125 to fix the power thing, which everyone is telling me is crazy to spend on a 5 year old computer because everything on it will die any day. aaarrrggghhh.

I know I'm not doing very well...

Sorry. I'm totally not keeping up with this. My excuse is that my laptop power cord connection is screwed up and it aggravates me too much to mess with it at home. The connection is bad, so it keeps swapping to battery power and then turning off because the battery isn't charged up given that it gets its power from being plugged in to the power cord. It's a vicious circle.
Also, I am still digesting the sermons from the last two weeks of services. I have a lot of work to do. I've been convicted all over the place about a host of issues.
Last week started a series on marriage that promises to be amazing. I'm not being critical of anyone, but anyone who is married can always use some insight. It is called "Regularly Scheduled Maintenance" and you can listen along online at www.cbcnashville.org.

Assistance Needed - The Torture Device Conundrum

I loved that “American Inventor” show that was on briefly. It was obviously the nerd version of “American Idol” for those with talented, or occasionally not so talented, minds rather than vocal chords. One of the judges was the size zero inventor of Spanx. Why she felt the need to invent such a device of torture at her size, I cannot fathom. Of course, were you to wear Spanx at her size, they would merely be long legged, seamless underwear worn to avoid the appearance of panty lines and not really much of an invention at all. When she caught on to the fact that 90% of the population was many times her size, that’s when the ingenuity kicked in. Anyway, Spanx, even the low budget generic knock off versions for those of us who cannot afford to spend $32 on basically one pair of underwear, are a fabulous invention for folks with a little extra cushion….once you have them on and positioned properly and you are standing upright. If one squints and views you from the proper angle with the correct lighting, you can almost appear svelte or at the very least composed of firm, toned, albeit rounded shapes. Little do they know that your flesh is actually very forcefully encased in some sort of space age, impenetrable material, possibly laced with Kevlar, many sizes too small to comfortably contain your girth. If you sit down, you must have the space available to lean back in your chair in order to afford a smoother plane allowing blood and oxygen to reach the necessary organs beyond the boundaries of the pseudo-Spanx device. Bending at the waist is complete folly and will most likely induce fainting.
This incredibly weighty topic (ha, I crack me up even when I don’t mean to, that just popped out) is currently on my mind due to my recent experiences in the restroom and the need to find a solution to the problems encountered there. I know that’s a topic you are all super eager to explore, but seriously, I need to work this out. O.K., so I imagine the early days of liposuction basically requiring a metal rod industrial vacuum cleaner attachment to be jammed repeatedly up and down between the skin and tissue of your thighs, causing multiple and sundry contusions from the inside of your thighs. Much the same can be said of the process of donning the pseudo-Spanx device, causing multiple and sundry contusions from the outside of your thighs as you attempt to jam your flesh down inside the unyielding, Kevlar-ic material. This process requires both a high pain threshold and great dexterity as you move through contortions worthy of a Cirque du Soleil performer in an attempt to properly position the device. My problem, is that during the donning process and the contortions involved, one repeatedly, and I’m talking about like 23 times not two or three times repeatedly, sets off the automatic flush sensor on the toilet. Just think about that for a moment. Not only are all of the other people who wander into the restroom wondering what is going on in that stall on the end, but though restrooms in corporate office buildings are somewhat soundproof, they are not completely soundproof and they are located right next to the bank of elevators, where many people are standing there waiting for the elevator to arrive with nothing to do but listen to the sounds around them. Our office is now on the 19th floor. It takes some time for the summoned elevator to arrive. Several people are hearing the 23 flushes and what do you suppose might be going through their minds when they then see only one person emerge from the restroom? I shudder to think. So help me out people, what is the solution? Would it be possible to strategically drape toilet paper over the sensor before the donning process begins? I don’t know. I’m not sure how to attach the paper securely. I don’t know how sensitive the sensor device is. I mean is it a laser, will it be able to see the contortionist through the veil of t.p. and continue to flush? I would try to drape something more substantial, like my purse, over the sensor, but I don’t really want to touch that area or have anything that is going to later touch me touch it, so that’s out. I’m stumped.

Dingbat Digest Defined

I said I was going to post an explanation for the title of this blog, but if you know me, I hardly think you need an explanation. I am, for the most part, applying the most common definition of the word dingbat in its use, you know, "a silly empty-headed person", but in a nice way. I'm not really trying to put myself down. I am a dingbat, but I am affectionately called a dingbat.
My favorite blogger is Ree Drummond at http://thepioneerwoman.com, who identifies herself with the TV character Lucille Ball of "I Love Lucy" fame. I identify myself with Edith Bunker of "All in the Family" fame. We love watching "All in the Family" reruns. Lee affectionately calls me a dingbat in much the same way Archie affectionately calls Edith a dingbat. Edith is a dingbat, but everyone loves her and she loves them all back. She is sincere and good-hearted and another huge fan of rabbit trails. Though it may not seem like it, her stories that go way off on crazy tangents always have a point and are always told with good humor. I think I'm in good company being a dingbat and I'm obviously not ashamed to proclaim that I am one.
By the way, another definition for a dingbat is "a character used as a design element, often to emphasize information", "the sign or symbol of a printer" or "in ancient times, referred to as a printer's flower". All of those definitions could be used to describe me and this blog as well. That's me, a little printer's flower, used to emphasize information.